we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
