i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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