after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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