I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
