it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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