Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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