I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
