my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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