Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
