I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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