Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
