I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
