I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
