got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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