Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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