you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
