just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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