We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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