You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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