do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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