I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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