mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
