I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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