you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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