You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
