I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
