Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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