Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
