made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
