he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
