Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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