i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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