Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize