i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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