At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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