wake up i wanna do it froggy style
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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