so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
