my soul wont recognize me after tonight
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
