I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
