Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
