Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
