My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize