I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
