I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
