I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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