you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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