I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
