Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
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