dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
