1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
