Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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