i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
