U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My room smells like vodka and shame
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
