when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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