Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
