he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
