Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
