Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize