When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
