Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
