Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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