I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
