He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
