The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
