I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
