My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
