There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
