Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize