just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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