I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
